Wish You Were Here - New Orleans
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why would I want to go to New Orleans; isn’t it destroyed? Well yes, in bits, but for the most part it’s really a rather fun place. So get yourself into the party mindset and join us revelling on the streets of New Orleans! How? Just a few simple steps.
1. Put a bowl of water on top of the radiator, at full blast. You want that heat and sticky humidity. No need to fill the room, just get a waft of it every now and then to stop the breath in your throat. For true authenticity, mix in a bit of mud to mimic the Mississippi.
2. Turn off the lights. All the fun stuff happens after sunset. Why would you go during the day?
3. Get as many steroes/radios as you can and play jazz on all of them. No, not the same jazz, but as many different sorts as you can possibly find, all at once. Every bar in New Orleans has live jazz, each competing with the four surrounding it. Apart from one, which you need to set to swing music so you catch a strain of it every now and then and get confused.
4. Make yourself some beignets. These are French square doughnut things, but normal doughnuts will do. Put them on a plate, and cover them in icing sugar. No, not a dusting, that’s rubbish. I means heaps of icing sugar. Little mountains of the stuff. Make sure you brush against it and cover your clothes in smears of white. If at all possible, get an arsey French man to give them to you then watch in disgust as you try to eat them without caking your face in powdery sugar.
5. New Orleans is covered in alligator heads, and feet, sold everywhere as souvenirs. If possible, scatter some about for decoration. If you find this hard, chicken’s feet will do instead, especially since the city is full of voodoo.
6. Grab yourself a cocktail and go outside. Yes, outside, onto the street. Where you drink your drink. On the street. In New Orleans, this is perfectly acceptable behaviour! For a truly authentic experience, try to convince a local pub to give you a drink in a plastic glass, and then wander down the street into the next pub. Try to avoid getting kicked out. I would recommend a daiquiri, which seems to be the drink of choice, but anything will do so long as it’s not nice beer.
7. Surround yourself in shiny things. Every night is a street party, with beads and dubloons! Lower your expectations; they’re just plastic. Cover your friends in these shiny things, but make sure you have none. As the evening goes on and you have another daiquiri, it’ll soon become a good idea to scrabble through gutters to try find some of these trinkets, whch other revellers will break and discard.
8. Throw grapes at one another. No, I don’t know why. Just do it. The party starts here!
May 27, 2009 7:06 pm 
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