Wish You Were Here - Toronto
I bet you’re just itching to be in Toronto with us, eh? And not just to poke me into updating more often. Good news; using the power of freon and imagination,, you can create the Canada experience in your very own home! Just follow these simple steps and create the travelling experience for cheap, and without having to travel thousands of miles:
1. Buy a Brita Filter and put it in the fridge. Canadian water is crystal clear and freezing cold. If possible, try to force the air you breathe through the filter too, to render it completely tasteless.
2. Open the freeze door sporadically. For no apparent reason, you will be occassionally blasted with a hit of bitterly cold air whilst in Toronto. Ideally, have a friend open the freezer door for you, so that you’re hit when you least expect it.
3. Strap ice packs to your feet. If you can still move your toes, you’re not trying hard enough. Your flesh should be so cold that it’s red-raw and peels off during the night.
4. Rub salt into your lips. This will achieve the correct layer of irreperable chapping.
5. Cover all your food in maple syrup. Yes, everything. See those baked beans? Wouldn’t they be much tastier in maple syrup rather than tomato sauce? How about that ham; that can take a bit of syrup. Oh, and those scrambled eggs. In fact, cover everything in maple syrup unless…
6. If it looks like something that should be covered in syrup, fry it in eggs. Mmmm… Cinnamon muffin. That could use a bit of syrup. WRONG. If the foodstuff in question is sweet, you need to cut it in bits, dip it in egg whites and fry it. You can put maple syrup over the top of it later, if you’re desperate.
7. Reprice your tins. Go to McDonalds and find the price of a normal meal. Halve this. Go home, and write this number on any cans of value food you have in the house. This is how much it will cost now. If you happen to be rich enough to own anything not value branded, double the price. If you open one of these tins, pay the newly-ascribed price. Bread should cost £3. After a day or so, seriously consider fast food as the cheapest way to live.*
8. …then add Tax. What, you thought that was a lot to pay for things? You haven’t even added tax yet! Everything has tax lurking over it, ready to stick itself to your ‘bill’ at the counter. A minimum of 5%, easily 15% in most places. Don’t even think about buying alcohol; you simply can’t afford it. For a truly authentic experience, get your friend to write three letters on the bottom of your receipt, then add an arbitrary number which seems to be no particular percentage of the price you were expecting to pay. Then add 5%.
9. Draw maple leaves on all your possessions. Yes, all of them. That hat needs a leaf, and that top, and those glasses (scratch it into the lens). What about your shoes - are they leafed? Your car? Ideally, the leaf should be red, but you can get away with blue if you’re a secret Tory.
* The exception to this rule is BBQ sauce, which costs 10p for a big bottle. Try to use this to bulk up every other food you possess.
Location, North America | saf | 
April 25, 2009 6:34 pm
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