Spaghetti Bolognese in the Maasai Mara
Feeding Your Foreigner
We at Kenyan Tourist Services are very pleased that you’ve decided to set up your own safari/mountain climbing/tourist herding company! It’s a slippery slope to take, with so many companies already on the market, filling the streets and chasing white people through towns with offers of help, so we’ve produced this handy guide to help you feed the foreigners you will have in your care.
Never be conned into thinking that they are like you or I; foreigners have very special dietary requirements which must be met at all times if they are not to wilt away or escape. They can’t spend their money if they’re dead! The following guidelines should help you keep your charges sleek and healthy during their time in the country.
1. Foreigners eat many times a day
We really do mean a lot. You will need to feed your foriegner at least four meals a day, normally five. How do you fit all these in? It’s quite simple really. Breakfast, lunch and dinner are read, of course. You can then add in the meal ‘afternoon tea’. Don’t be fooled into thinking this is just tea - you need to provide a large amount of stodgy food then too! We suggest popcorn, doughnuts, huge piles of biscuits and some fruit.
As for that extra meal, there are plenty of times you can slip it in. Why not feed the foreigner as soon as it awakes (with biscuits and doughtnuts again) a few hours before you serve breakfast? Or what about a sneaky extra meal just an hour after dinner, before they sleep?
2. Foreigners must eat meat three times a day
Unlike you or I, who can survive only with relatively clear arteries, foreigners’ blood vessels are a much larger capacity, and so they demand a large amount of meat to fill their veins with blood. You need to give them meat at each of the three main meals. If possible, make sure an egg accompanies each meal too.
3. Foreigners eat a large volume at each meal
You might think that a single plate of food would be enough for them, but you are wrong. The major meals should have three courses at all times, not including hot drinks and biscuits. This large amount of feeding has the advantage of making your foreigner sluggish and tired frequently, so you have to entertain them less.
4. Gender makes no difference, nor does activity
Foreigners eat the same no matter who or where they are. A young man climbing a big hill needs just the same amount as a woman who will be sitting on a bus all day - lots. Assume infinite stomach capacity.
5. Foreigners metabolise caffeine strangely
Unlike us, foreigners are actually put to sleep by drinks containing lots of caffeine. As such, ensure that you never give your foreigner coffee at breakfast, but slowly increase the amount on offer during the day until you reach a crescendo at supper, where coffee is the only thing on offer. If your foreigner seems reticent to drink coffee just before sleeping, ensure you give them poor quality coffee during the day and then the best stuff just before they sleep to encourage them to drink it all up. It’s for their own good!
6. Foreigners cannot eat unfamiliar food
The foreign person cannot drink our water, which makes them ill, nor eat the food that we do. However, they will have come in search of an “authentic African experience”, so will not eat food presented to them as familiar. Your job is to con the foreigner into eating what they would at home, but thinking that it is an exotic dish. There are many ways you can do this:
a) Give it a funny name. Instead of saying “spaghetti bolognese”, call it “minced stew with noodles”. Most foreigners will not notice the difference.
b) Give it to them in bits. In America, doughnuts come with sugar on. To trick your foreigner, give it tasteless dough lumps and then leave a pot of sugar on the table near them. Within a few minutes, they should have figured it out themselves.
c) Call it a delicacy. They will then feel obliged to eat it, and superior about their own country.
7. Cover everything in oil
Foreigners like everything to be covered indiscriminately in oil, especially things you or I would not suspect. Salad is always a good one*, as are noodles or bread. No special oil is needed - just a big vat of frying oil will do. Endeavour to fry anything which can be cooked.
8. Foreigners like practicing their maths
They need plenty of practice to keep them sharp, and it occupies them for a while. Every now and then, provide one less meal than there are people. How about putting in 3 sandwiches for 4 people, with 5 bananas? The mental arithmatic in making things fair will also tire them out for a bit so they stop asking you questions.
Follow these simple guidelines and you too can run your own successful tour company!
* ‘Salad’ means a big pile of leaves from any shrub you can find
February 18, 2009 1:37 pm 
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