The Language Barrier

Almost every person in Kenya speaks three languages. Luckily, I can count myself as one of them (although I’m not really sure that English, Latin and BSL are really allowed).

Everyone speaks their own tribal language, as well as Swahili and English, which is the official language. This means that all the signs are in English, but the conversation on the street is all in Swahili. Occassionally, some Swahili signs appear too, but these are very rare and are normally matched by a replica sign with the English translation on but a few metres away.

Despite the prevalence of English, there are still a few words which have acquired different meanings here. If you ever decide to come and visit Kenya, you might be well advised to look out for the following phrases:

Notebook - a bundle of sheets of paper with a bit of glue across the top. If you want a real notebook which might survive more than a day in your bag, you should really try to take one with you to show people. “Fancy notebook” is a step forward and will do at a push - this refers to the crappy school notebooks young children use.

Meat - a thing in its own right. You will be hard pressed to find out which animal it originated from, if any. Chances are that all ‘meat’ you encounter will be goat. Goats are made mainly of fat.

Student - anyone 23 or under. If you are over 23 you will have to pay triple the amount that students do, even if you can produce a range of student cards. This is the difference between $100 park entry fees and $20 entry fees in some cases.

Juice - there is fruit everywhere in Kenya, a good deal of it rotting on the streets or being thrust through bus windows at you. Given the enormous amount, you might think that juice would be easy to come by. You are wrong. The phrase normally means very watery squash, with plenty of added sugar.

Coffee - it is a widely-known fact that some of the best coffee in the world comes from Kenya. In fact, almost all of the good coffee in Kenya ends up in British supermarkets. There is none left here. ‘Coffee’ refers to brown powder which dissolves into bitter gravy.

Tea - milk with a little water in. Sometimes, Brown will be added.

Volcano - very high up steaming rock which smells of rotten eggs.

Jambo - sometimes mistaken for the Swahili word for ‘hello’, this actually means ‘I want to sell you a safari, but will be taking a while to get to my point’.

Computer - box with occassional flashing light, normally identified by a big gaping hole in the side. These devices attract power failures.

Special Price - after a conversation, you will often be offered a special price for something you have seen in a shop. This is just another way of saying “tourist tax”, which you must pay on all goods if you cannot speak Swahili.

Mosquito Net - sheet of netting with big holes in it over the head and legs of the sleeping person. Sheet is normally too small to go over a bed.

Hassle Free - you will often see tourist shops described in their names as ‘hassle free’. This is all a question of scale. Instead of being followed around and lead by the elbow to things, you will simply be talked at incessantly.

Hello - think that man is being nice and friendly, eh? Well, he is! So friendly, in fact, that he has decided that he is going to marry you at any cost. Existing husbands will not deter him, so pick a religion in which divorce is not allowed. Make sure you mention your children unless you want to be questioned at great length about your contraceptive strategem. He went to England once, you know, and is involved in the media. Are you sure you don’t want a new husband? What about your friends? Well, what about a safari then?